Latest Romantic Jokes Articles

How to Make a Woman Happy

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 09:47:16 +0800

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Caught Short

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 08:03:33 +0800

A girl takes her new boyfriend back home after the dance. She tells him to be very, very quiet as her parent are asleep upstairs and if they wake up, she would be in big trouble as she's not allowed to bring boys home. They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he stops and says, "Where's the toilet, I need to go".

She says, "Its next to my parent's bedroom. You can't go there, you might wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead."

He goes into the kitchen then, after a short while, he pops his head round the door and says to his girlfriend, "HAVE YOU GOT ANY PAPER?"

=) ....

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 14:59:44 +0800

HERE is something to get you in the mood tonight: a 10-year Welsh study found that those who enjoyed an active sex life were 50 per cent less likely to have died during that time than those who did not.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to sexual health benefits, says body+soul’s sex and relationships therapist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey.

“It makes sense that sex is good for you because we need lots of inducements to do it so that we stay on the planet,” she says. “Sex involves our circulatory, nervous and muscular systems and brains, so it’s a tune-up and workout of everything that’s important.”

Sadly, it’s often the first thing to go when our health is on the blink. “We have the attitude that sex is a luxury item instead of a necessity for wellness. We also think of it as something only for the young and strong, but its effects are a bonus as we age.”

Still need convincing? Here are 10 health reasons to ramp up your sex life:

1 Less heart attacks and strokes

Films often depict men having heart attacks in the throes of passion, yet the estimates of this happening are about one in a million. Research actually shows that having sex several times a week may cut your risk of a heart attack or stroke in half.

“Sex releases feel-good hormones such as dehydroepiandrosterone and oxytocin,” says Dr Darren Russell, president of the Australasian Chapter of Sexual Health Medicine. “You get more blood moving through the blood vessels.”

2 Lowers blood pressure and stress

A small Scottish study exposed people to stressful situations and found that those who had regular sexual intercourse responded better to stress than those who engaged in other sexual activities or abstained. A partner’s hug can do wonders, too: a US study found it can lower blood pressure and heart rates in premenopausal women.

“Touch releases quantities of oxytocin, so you don’t have to orgasm,” Dr Morrissey says.

3 Reduces depression

Those feel-good hormones also help keep depression at bay, although US psychologist Dr Gordon Gallup found that women whose partners did not wear a condom during sex were less likely to be depressed than those whose did. His theory? Semen contains the hormone prostaglandin, which may be absorbed through the vagina and act like an antidepressant. But this doesn’t mean you should avoid condoms, he warns.

4 prevents osteoporosis

“Men and women who have regular sex have higher testosterone levels, (which) are linked to a lower risk of osteoporosis and bone problems,” says Dr Russell. More studies are needed.

5 Keeps colds and flu at bay

Lots of sex means fewer colds and flu, say researchers from Wilkes University in Pennsylvania, USA. They found that having sex once or twice a week increased production of the immune-boosting antibody immunoglobulin by a third. A German study found that even masturbation can increase men’s white blood cells.

6 Prevents prostate cancer

Several large studies have shown that men in their 20s who ejaculate frequently (about 21 times a month) can reduce their risk of prostate cancer later in life by a third, compared to those who ejaculate five to seven times a month.

“It doesn’t necessarily have to be intercourse,” Dr Russell adds.

7 Relieves headaches

Research shows that sex can alleviate an aching noggin, especially in women. The endorphins and corticosteroids released have an analgaesic effect, alleviating the pain of headaches, arthritis, cramps and body aches.

“Endorphins are a natural painkiller,” Dr Russell says. The production of oestrogen in women may also ward off period pain.

8 Improves sleep

Dr Russell prescribes sex for people with sleep problems. “Sex helps people sleep better and is less addictive than things like Valium,” he says. Again, it’s those powerful oxytocins at work. In turn, sleep boosts mental and physical health.

9 Keeps you fit

Some experts say that 30 minutes of vigorous sex is comparable to 15 minutes on a treadmill or walking up two flights of stairs, and burns between 360 and 835 kilojoules. Sex works the pelvis, thighs, buttocks, arms, neck and thorax. Your pulse rate doubles from about 70 beats per minute to 150, the same as an athlete mid-stride.

10 Prevents incontinence

The muscles that stem the flow of urine, reducing leakage and incontinence, are given a workout during sex, says Dr Morrissey. “Orgasm is best because the entire pelvic floor contracts.” Flexing your pelvic muscles during sex maximises the benefits and makes sex more pleasurable.

Use it or lose it

Regular sex keeps your genital organs in good working order, says Dr Darren Russell. Abstaining for long periods may cause the following:

Erectile problems in older men: A Finnish study of men aged 55 to 75 found that those who had intercourse less than once a week had twice the risk of erectile dysfunction than those who had sex more often.

Vaginal atrophy in women: A decline in oestrogen, especially during menopause, can result in the thinning and inflammation of the vaginal walls. “Once the oestrogen is gone, the vagina can atrophy and the tissues can wither away,” Dr Russell says.

This can cause pain and irritation if you return to sex after a long break. “Regular sex keeps
the vagina lubricated and in good working order as a woman goes past the menopause.” Vaginal oestrogen
creams can also help.

More great reasons to say “Yes!” tonight:

Regular periods: US researchers found that women who have sex at least once a week have more regular menstrual cycles than those who have sex less often.

Look younger: In Secrets Of The Superyoung (Berkley), Dr David Weeks says his research found that couples who had sex three times a week looked seven years younger than those who had sex less often. Other researchers say sex raises a woman’s oestrogen levels, making her hair shinier and her skin more supple.

Better skin and teeth: Some argue that the minerals in semen (such as zinc and calcium) help stop tooth decay and improve skin, but Dr Morrissey is not convinced.

“The kind of momentary exposure, even over a long, repetitive experience, couldn’t possibly have any kind of impact, let alone the minimal number of minerals you’re talking about.”

My Story

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:22:24 +0800

I wonder why I am still in love with her. Although it has been 3 years, those days were so clear and fresh. Her lovely smile still lingers leaving scars with a beautiful tune. I know it was my mistake to leave her at first place, but it is almost impossible to forget her especially with this kind of life. Everything that I have done seems wrong and painful. When it happens, her face appears smiling and inviting such a guilty moment. My life seems hopeless and helpless without her……

It just a story of me with my credit card, and I am applying a new one.

Hehehe

Honest

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:35:52 +0800

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is:

------> Always keep your condoms in your car.

a date trick

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 19:33:52 +0800

One day a guy talks to the girl he likes on Skype

Guy: hey you, my one and not only translator!!

Girl: hello. Oh, so i am not your only translator? i see you got plenty of "translators"

Guy: don't like it when you try to get me wrong. i meant to say you are more than a translator to me. but yeah, i got plenty of translators.

Girl: like it when i get to dig your secret out of you. i hope i'm your best translator!

Guy: haha. yes u r. u're my best friend. and soon i'll be dating you. hehehehhehehehheehh

Girl: what am i? a history book? i am not to be dated.

Guy: u know what i mean. so will you go out on a date with me?

Girl: i'd go out with you, but it's not gonna be a date.

Guy: then what is it?

a day? a week? a month? a year????

Girl: ...

Guy: a day would be 24 hours, a week would be 7 days, a month would be 30 days, a year would be 365 days.

if we go out on any of these, it'll be toooooo long!

so come on, please go out on a DATE with me..

Girl: So you don't wanna go out TOO LONG with me?

Guy: Love it when i knew you'll always come up with that kind of remarks. i'm just saying that to make you go out on a DATE with me. then i'll say, lets go out on a DATE for the rest of the YEAR.

Remarry

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 22:04:17 +0800

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand-new. It's going to last a long time. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

His VS Her diary

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 02:01:04 +0800

Her Diary vs His Diary

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. ; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I wanted to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

MAN UTD. lost 2-0 to Chelsea today, but at least I got laid.

Pickup Line Comebacks

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:48:02 +0800

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Parental jokes

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 03:51:13 +0800

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kil ls him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

2. Brother wanted
Small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a peri od?"!
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident
and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

6. Anger management?
< I>Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."